Michael and I shot some promos for the new show today. Ex-haust-ing! I honestly thought I did a very good job, and it was good to see Showalter trying.
I actually think Sho took some pictures with his iPhone (recently purchased, already has a crack in the screen), which I assume he'll post here when he gets a chance. If not, I can describe it for you: imagine the Knicks City Dancers and me and you pretty much have it. And balloons. And Showalter. And some very good guacamole, which I did not eat because, as I said in an earlier post, I am trying to shed thirty pounds in the next few days. Other people had the guac, though, and said it was kind of spicy.
I'm not sure how I feel about spicy guac. Yes, I like spicy foods, but I also use guac to counteract spiciness in other foods. If I put spicy on top of spicy, the next thing I know I've got ass flames. And I don't like that because the ass flames make me look like a drag car when I fart.
Also did a live Twitter thing today, which was fun, although I felt kind of guilty because all my responses were undoubtedly cluttering up non-participant's Twitter pages. I was desperately trying to be amusing so those people didn't de-select me out of annoyance. Also annoying was the fact that my Twitter page is connected to my Facebook page, so all my Twitter responses, and there were several dozen, were automatically put up on my Facebook page, no doubt annoying all of those people, too. I think being annoying is worse than being racist. Being an annoying racist is probably the worst thing to be of all.
Got burning questions for Michael Ian Black?
And/or dying to bear witness to an online interview?
Log on to Twitter TODAY 4pm-5pm EST for a Live Twitter session with Black.
What does “Live Twitter” mean?
It means he’ll be Twittering – live.
Michael (Black) will be taking questions from college press on Twitter while Michael (Showalter) takes their questions over the phone. I’ll be at my desk!
Pipe up @michaelianblack to “join the conversation.”
Those of you who follow my Twitter feed know that my new mantra is "Go for it." Well I've decided to extend that philosophy to my work life. Today, for example, I was torn between between gazpacho and five grain salad for lunch. Thought to myself: "Maybe I should get both." Did I go for it? I did. I went for it like swine flu goes for Mexicans.
Another example: my allergies were bothering me today. Somebody said, "Would you like some Claritin-D?" That's the strong stuff, the anabolic steroids of over-the-counter allergy medication. I didn't even think twice: I went for it. I went for it like Angelina Jolie goes for babies.
Example three: While at the Mets game tonight, a fan missed snagging an easy foul ball. Thought to myself: that guy sucks. Then thought: I should yell to that guy that he sucks. Went for it. Yelled, "You suck!" The guy started crying. Then I felt bad and I went over and apologized. Turns out he's had a rough few days: he and his wife are separating and he thinks he might be out of a job soon. That foul ball was the one good thing that might have happened to him. But he dropped it. I said I felt bad for him but that he still sucked. We parted as friends.
This is a "staged reading" of a sketch I wrote called Hamburger Patties. The main joke would have been watching a giant and an ogre making hamburger patties. Enjoy!
We start shooting Monday next. Yes it's exciting, but there are some looming problems. First of all, I'm supposed to wear a very small swimsuit for most of my scenes, which would be fine except that I told them I am a small, and I am anything but! So I cannot squeeze into the suit they got me, but I'm too ashamed to tell the costumer, so as a result, I will not fit into my main piece of wardrobe unless I can somehow manage to shed thirty pounds in the next week. And it's those "around the middle" pounds that are the last to go. Hopefully most of it is water weight, so I'm optimistic that if I just spend the next week in the sauna, I'll be okay. I saw that on "The Ultimate Fighter" once and it seemed to work fine.
Second, my incontinence has gone into hyperdrive, which has caused me tremendous distress. It's a lot of running to the bathroom only to discover either I've already gone or it's a "false alarm." My urologist tells me the problem might be with my prostate, but I don't think so, because I've given myself about thirty prostate exams over the last few days, and it feels fine to me.
Third, I've developed terrible camera fright. What's weird is that it's not that I'm afraid of performing: I'm literally afraid of cameras. When you think about them, they're spooky. I'm not sure the indigenous people didn't have it right when they said cameras steal your soul. So that's a problem, as the existence of my soul is already somewhat suspect.
Finally, I'm worried that somebody on the crew is going to give me swine flu, which is a horribly ironic way for a Jewish person to die.
Thanks for putting up my shame for all to see. A random read thru where I am forced to sing even though I wouldn't be able to carry a tune if it came with a handle. Here are some other videos you can put up, if you really want to continue the humiliation:
1. Me getting dumped by my high school girlfriend as I cry into a bouquet of roses.
2. Me just straight up pooping into a Wendy's Biggie size cup.
3. My mom telling me she has always been faking her love for me, and then a bird poops on me. This may require some dubbing and post production, but I bet you can do it!
We're doing a big photo shoot today for the network. They definitely involve broken wine bottles, blood, and a bookshelf backdrop. I would post photos but that would spoil the fun for when the pictures actually come out. In the meantime, we are less than three months away from our first air date and yet we haven't shot anything. Which seems weird. We start shooting a week from Monday. Then it's six intense weeks of making video, hurriedly editing it, and putting it out there. So even though we've been working on the show pretty consistently for the better part of the year, it's all going to come down to this six week stretch of intense filming. How intense? Fifteen. I'm not sure what scale I'm using, but fifteen seems about right.
In other news, all of our sketches are finally chosen, all of our scripts are written, and we are in the middle of casting all the parts for the show. I would offer you a part, but I'll be honest – I don't know if you have the right kind of experience. You're great and everything, but let's be honest, you're not exactly "camera ready." Sorry.
RSS
